More Lebanese humor

Excerpts taken from the Daily Star:
(Emphasis mine)

SOUTH LEBANON: “Take a left, not at the first destroyed house, not at the second destroyed house, but at the third one with the fridge dangling from its window,” said Abu Ali, combining the legendary self-deprecating Arab humor with a raw acknowledgment of yet another postwar era for Lebanon.
“All I have is air,” joked the mechanic, holding an air hose like a gun at a car that stopped at his half-burned-out workshop for directions on route to the Southern town of Tibnin.

There is a new joke being told as one drives across the South about the returning displaced “getting lost” as they make their way home since all the major landmarks – gas stations and local shops – have all been destroyed. “We divided the towns into: not too bad, very bad, and very, very bad,” said Abu Hashim, a local of one of the most devastated town, Siddiqine (a very, very bad town), who is living in a tent and likes to direct aid and media convoys. “I just direct them with my stick, as it is not hard anymore to find your way about since there aren’t many buildings left standing,” he added.

Abu Hashim and other locals interviewed joked about how one car recently got stuck in one of the 20-meter-deep craters left behind by Israeli strikes. “It was a car filled with American reporters who got stuck in a hole made by an American bomb,” smiled Abu Hashim. “Need I say more?”

“Did you hear about Israel’s smart bombs?” asked Jarad. “They were made in Homs (a Syrian town which is frequently the butt of jokes)!”

More jokes:

1. Q: Why can´t the Israelis aim at the Syrian inhabitants of Homs? A: Because they only have smart bombs.
2. Q: Why did the Hamasneh go to Dahyeh?A: Cos they heard enno honik Welaneh
3. Q: Why real estate prices went up in Ain El Remmeneh?A: Because of its new view of the sea
4. Olmert sent a commando operation deep into Lebanon. Mission: Capture Lebanese diva Fairuz. He insists on finding the only bridge he did not destroy (an imaginary bridge).
5. An Israeli recently arrives at London’s Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: “Occupation?” The Israeli promptly replies: “No, just visiting!”
6. After Saudi Arabia decided to donate half a billion dollars to rebuild Lebanon, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak ordered the capture of six Israeli soldiers at the border.
7. Amid a mass evacuation of foreign nationals from Lebanon, Palestinian refugees who have been stranded in Lebanon for nearly 60 years are ecstatic: the Palestinian Authority has decided to evacuate its nationals as well.

So, Three Guerrillas Walk Into a Bar . . .

Here’s another post that’s moving away from politics and the state that Lebanon is in at the moment, but then again not really.

Letter from Beirut, from the Washington Post:

BEIRUT — With a bit of fortitude and loads of wit, there are laughs to be had, even in wartime.Barely a week into a war that sent the hopes of many Lebanese tumbling down with their bridges, buildings and roads, stunned civilians trapped in the crossfire started trading self-deprecating gags about their situation.

As sad as the tales of death and the exodus of 1 million people displaced from their homes into empty schools and government buildings have been, the Lebanese have found ways to make light of their own plight.

As one joke has it, residents fleeing the Shiite suburbs of Beirut were flashing the victory sign — to indicate that only two buildings were still left standing.

It was followed by excited speculation that real estate values in the poor neighborhood of Ain al-Rummaneh, a crowded cluster of aging buildings overlooking the southern suburbs, had shot up by 50 percent. Why? It now has a sea view.

People are petrified of honoring their dental appointments out of fear they may have bridgework done, goes another favorite. So contagious have these stories been that in one refugee center, Marwa Saad, 15, whose family was driven out by fierce fighting near the southern market town of Nabatiyeh, did not dare utter a word without covering her mouthful of braces.

“Everyone keeps teasing me; they bully me to keep my mouth shut so we don’t get hit by Israeli jets,” she said about her friends, giggling with her hand to her mouth.

Another story has Haifa Wehbe, the curvaceous bombshell of Lebanese music videos, dispatched by the Hezbollah leadership to Israel to conduct negotiations. She returns pregnant. When confronted about her condition, the anecdote goes, Wehbe insisted she was only trying to help: “I thought I would get you another small hostage.”

Picture of Haifa Wehbe by Roger Moukarzel
Some jokes target the Syrians for causing the crisis by allowing arms to flow to Hezbollah and pressuring the Lebanese government to let the group keep its arms. One joke says the Israelis cannot aim at the Syrian inhabitants of Homs. Why? Because the Israelis only have smart bombs.

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah is also the butt of some humor. The elderly women of the Christian neighborhood of Ashrafiyeh regard Nasrallah as their new idol and sex symbol, goes one line, because he has taken them back 40 years.

Another joke extols Nasrallah, saying he is now worthy of a statue since he managed to put the entire Shiite Muslim community, with its high rate of illiteracy, in schools.

Read the rest of the jokes.